My new favourite word

A few things...that make me want to say POES out loud, and usually do.(I know its not a nice word, nor ladylike, but when you're pissed off and need to rant, there's nothing better than the good old Ma Se !

1. The Wire-flower Seller
This cunning man has managed to con me out of countless cigarettes. Not once, not twice, but three times, has he stuffed a wonky-looking bright pink beaded flower through the tiny opening in my window and gone:
"Free!Mahala!", despite my insistence that I have no money, which is true, incidentally.
The millisecond the thing lands on my lap he goes "Ag missus, please, some change for food, I'm hungry"
DUDE.I'm also hungry.Why do you think I'm smoking? When I finally convince him that I am indeed broke, he sneakily changes his tactics.
"A smoke for me madam"
I dutifully hand him my second last Marlboro.
"And also for my friend"
I give him the box
"And a light"
There go my matches.
"And the flower, you didn't give me change"
The light has by now changed to green and I'm so pissed off I throw the thing out of the window.
"Thanks madam"
POES man. I'm too nice.

2.The Bell-ringing Bergie.
Once upon a time, my brother, the do-gooder in our family, gave this dude R50. I'm not sure what words were exchanged, but I'm pretty sure he didn't invite him back for weekly visits. Anyway, this fellow has now taken it up upon himself to press the intercom in ten-second intervals for five-minutes at a time. When no one answers, he starts gesticulating wildly at the camera, in what I imagine can only be a kind of bergie sign language, (although I did recognise a few universally acknowledged "fuck yous") When that fails to elicit any kind of response, he unzips his trousers and wees on the bushes. It would be highly entertaining to watch, were it not for the insistent bell ringing.

3.Not knowing whether to Stay or Go.
Added to this is my irritation with people who say "Well, what does your gut say?" I have been known to spend an hour in Clicks wondering whether to get the Moisture Injection or Daily Style Toni & Guy Shampoo. (I chose the Moisture Injection, tried it out, took it back and got the Daily Style.)
The thing is ,I HAVE NO IDEA. If I knew, I wouldn't be in such inner turmoil now would I?
Poes man.

The day I became Kenny

Those closest to me will know that I have been fascinated, nay, obsessed, for a while now, with all things bowel-related. Not in a gross, toilet-humour kind of way, but in a "Did you know that Oats actually have more fibre than All Bran?" one. Anyhoo. By the by, besides the nutritional benefits of lentils, they do tend to make you bloated, so don't make the mistake I did and eat three bowls of lentil soup the day before you have any major sexxxi event. (Thanks mom) I needn't go in to how this fascination came about, because its really not that relveant, nor do I think anyone will want to read about it.
But back to the poo story. My recent fascination with all thing faecal, led me to see a very nice Dr today, whose eyebrows reminded me of the dad from American Pie.I was asked the usual questions and then led to the examination room. I breathed, I stuck my tongue out, said ah, and then....it happened.

Dr: "I'm going to have to perform an anal examination now."
me: "Sorry what?"
Dr: "An anal probe"
me:"Ummmmm, ok."

The whole time he was doing God knows what down there, the only thing I could think was "And this is what it must feel like to be gay."
And that kids, is how I became Kenny for a day.

Ps: I looked at the contraption while I was getting dressed afterwards, and OMG, it was HUGE. Bigger than my boyfriend definitely.

A Girl's Gotta Do...

I've resorted to smoking the stompies out of the teacup I use as an ashtray outside. This disgusting indisgresion is the result of me deciding that the best way to contemplate my uncertain future would be to have a few glasses of wine sans any Marlboro Lights on hand. I would pop down to the friendly lady at my neighborhood Engen, but I've had to give my debit card to my mom to keep, as I have no money to my name, am unemployed, and if I could, would spend what money I do have in my account on wine, shoes and things that I probably don't (really) need, but that do look pretty at the time. Due to my current state of affairs, I've decided to pack up what I have left in iKapa, and head to London- a place that I've never felt any particular affinity for, but which has begun to look more and more promising. Some things do have to be left behind though - namely, The Boyfriend and the cat, His Majesty Flo. Leaving both will break my heart but it has to be done.